formspring.me

Ask me anything! http://formspring.me/HRJAS

formspring.me

Ask me anything! http://formspring.me/HRJAS

MOVING…

hello, all my readers!
i’ll be moving my blog to here.
i thank you for even bothering to read my ramblings & all that..

see you at my new home!

good morning =)

Lately my dreams have been forcing me to wake up around 9 a.m. Insaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane lucid dreaming seems to occur for me during that last hour of sleep, and let me tell you, it’s not always pleasant. It’s currently 11:30 a.m. and I think I’m about ready to start my day. Surprisingly I have a day off from both jobs, so here’s a list of things that I have to tackle today:

1. Clean my room.
–Honestly, it’s not as bad as it looked in my therapeutic cleaning post. However, the little cluttered messes are kind of driving me a bit insane.

2. Deposit rent money into my account.
–Pretty much self-explanatory, is it not?

3. Photoshoot with Olivia.
–Yes, yes. I’m back at it with my camera. Directed photography isn’t really my cup of tea but it’s always fun to break away from the things I usually/normally do.

And I think that’s it. I’m probably not going to clean my room though.

Anyway, so I was looking over my old Formspring account and wow. My friends and I sure did know how to put ourselves on blast! I’m so glad that my mind-state isn’t where it was at a year ago. And, after much consideration, I’ve decided to reactivate it again! Although I’m sure I’m going to get a whirlwind of…interesting questions (and maybe a few trolling attempts here and there) but I’m definitely gonna get a kick out of it.

So, if there’s anything you want to know, just ASK.

 

& let’s all be nice. =)

on my way to heavenly couture.

Here’s a glimpse into the life of Hannah Song.
These are the things I see on my way to one of my jobs, Heavenly Couture (such a bullshit company, if you ask me).

Line 754, Vermont/Sunset Station.

Line 16/316 Century City via 3rd St bus stop.

Line 16 Century City via 3rd St.

Larchmont Village, Larchmont Bungalow.

Larchmont Boulevard.

Yes, I am a bus junkie.
I don’t drive, never really needed to.
& yes, my sense of direction is based on bus routes.

i found a girl who sounds like me.

I found a girl who sounds like me.

If we were to put both of our writing side-by-side and had someone read them aloud…well, it’s uncanny. Not only that, but we have the same interests, the same passions, the same outlets. Looking at her through the windows of the internet, she’s like my doppelganger in every aspect–minus the physical. To make it worse, she’s almost like the embodiment of everything I wanted to be. Successful in school, immersed in the arts, living in the city I love most…

It’s uncanny.

Then, here’s the interesting part: she loves the man that I love. And the man that I love, who tells me he loves me, loves her too.

Looking through her blog, which I now hate that I came across, the pictures she took made it clear that he obviously preferred her over me.

You can’t successfully play a girl if the other’s a blogger.

At this point, I don’t know what to feel. How to react. I mean, how do I react to this? To find that you’re second best. Number two. To a girl you don’t know but can draw so many similarities from. To a girl who’s living the dream you’ve once dreamt but gave up. What does this even mean?

And then, I start to question. Why was I still kept in the picture? What was this idiot of a man thinking? What exactly was the truth, and what exactly was a lie? Can I even consider his love as something valid?

Is she better than me?

The questions swirl in my head and I can’t fucking think.

I’m so mad I want to scream until my lungs collapse. Kick and yell at him, shaking him until my arms give out and cry until I’m tired. I’m heartbroken, I’m hurt, I’m in every kind of intangible pain you can ever think of.

To feel lied to. To feel betrayed.

If I’m second best, number two, why bother making me feel like I’m number one? Like I’m the only one? Like the problem was him and his inability to “open up” and all that other bullshit I fell for.

That’s exactly what this was. Fucking bullshit. Complete and utter fucking bullshit that he fed me and I took by the spoonful.

Now, it’s over and done with. She had him, he loved her, but she set him aside. He moved on, found love in me, and now I read that she cries herself to sleep.

I stayed. Throughout all that fucking bullshit, I stayed. Stepped on, repeatedly taken advantage of. My heart broken over and over again. But now, now it’s good. He loves me, I love him, he comes around and tells me I’m his strength. That he’s grateful for me and my understanding.

But something’s wrong. I’m damaged. Doubtful. I can’t tell if this is another form of bullshit or if this is real. I can’t tell if it’s safe to hope and move forward with him or if I’m just being a fool again. I can’t fucking tell. It’s the worst when you can’t ever fully trust the person you love.

I’m happy with him, but now she’s always in the back of my mind.

I found a girl who sounds like me. And I want to tell her a big fuck you. And although I love you, fuck you too.

tres fou.

I’m going absolutely crazy.
I need to get the fuck out of Los Angeles as soon as possible.

I feel so taut, ready to snap.
I’m finding the littlest things annoying.
My patience is wearing so, so, so thin.

Is this the end of it??!

I just want to fucking scream.
Scream, yell, kick around and go on a fucking rampage…

 

I need to fucking disappear for a little bit.

black swan.

this movie was absolutely amazing.
most definitely watching again…

therapeutic cleaning.

it’s currently 3:49 ante meridiem.

after a 12-hour work day (hooray for double-shifts) that followed a night full of lucid dreams, i’m quite the opposite of what i was feeling earlier in the night.

i am no longer
fatigued,
exhausted,
weary,
deprived of sleep..

but i am
antsy,
restless,
uneasy,
in a total state of insomnia.

today’s been an interesting one. no, the events that made up my january 7th wasn’t anything out of the norm, but just the thoughts that were going inside my head..

i’m sure they had a lot to do with the things i were dreaming about in the previous night (man, if only i can fully explain these mind-boggling dreams i’ve been having as of late)..i mean, seeing how they were lucid dreams, everything felt so real.

every touch,
every look,
every word,
just every single scenario.

seems like i can’t fully shed the events of 2010 from the workings of my subconscious mind.

 

total bummer.

 

BUT.

i will not revert back to the over-analytical self-induced mind-fuckery. best believe that.

 

anyway, my mind bugged me so much that instead of making a comeback at falcon lounge (where all the usual suspects romp around..oh how i miss you guys, it’s been a while), i decided to go straight home after work to finally clean my pigsty of a room.

i mean, wouldn’t you want to run home and clean if this was how your room greeted you for about two weeks or so? (yes, call me filthy, what have you. it’s not my fault i’m always working double-shifts that have me coming home between 11-12am, sheesh.)

started cleaning around 12:15 ante meridiem, finished at about 2:45 ante meridiem or so..

yes, i still haven’t erased my mirror, those dark spots are from when i had my yorkie-schnauzer named troy & he loved to pee on my carpet, and those yoshi house slippers were a christmas gift for the roommate steven :)

i even threw out old mail, unnecessary paperwork, etc, that i’ve been stacking up.

all the unread, outdated la weeklys?

 

discarded.

 

i think 2011 will be the year i get rid of my cluttered ways..
maybe go as extreme as reverting to my ocd tendencies….

maaaaaaaaybe.

 

what i’m happy about the most is that i finally have a desk setup now.
before, i just used to throw my things on it and have papers strewn everywhere.
you couldn’t even see any part of the surface.

but now…

ta-da!
and, of course, me being korean, i would be eating ramen.
speaking of which, i think the insanity that is my mind is affecting my eating patterns/habits….

 

tres horrible! but gluttony is sooooo fun to engage in…

 

anyway, it’s safe to say that this therapeutic cleaning session has been a good one. i think tomorrow i’ll knock out the bathroom, scrubbing the bathtub with bleach included.

 

& look how long my hair’s grown!

as i’m in my favorite wonder woman shirt, harhar.

my hair’s longer now..not so much pin-up but total china doll.
in its super annoying & ugly stage of growing out.
I WANT TO CUT IT SO BAD!

but i’m resisting the urge.

how?

by tying it up (with 190283489 bobby pins) or hiding it inside those knit beret/beanies.

i’m guessing another month or two and it’ll just graze my shoulders…

 

speaking of which, i swear, i’ve had almost every single hairstyle. i should make a collage of all the hairstyles i’ve had so far in my lifetime (if i can even find all the pictures)…

 

 

anywho-hoo.

it’s now 4:46 ante meridiem.

 

i shall attempt to sleep by drowning myself in the sweet croonings of iron&wine.

 

 

good night and good luck.
to me, of course.

hello, twokayeleven.

It’s a new year, yet again.

Hello, 2K11. I’ve been waiting for you.

I have to say, I have very high hopes for you, but no particular expectations. I don’t mean it in a negative way, nor am I implying anything pessimistic in nature at all..it’s just the way it is: to hope with no expectations (I’m shedding my initial belief that to hope is to expect). I’m surprised I’m even hoping at all, seeing how my experiences with hope hasn’t been peachy ones… But I have a feeling that it will be different this time. I feel it in my bones.

To be honest, 2K10 was a hard one to swallow. I brought 2K10 in with a new living situation, bad family conditions, an interesting choice in lifestyle, and a very unlikely boy.

Just from that you can already tell that 2K10 was the year of massive, repetitive, unbearable heartbreak.

After being booted from home within the last months of 2K9, I moved in with a friend, sleeping on the couch for a couple of months before there was even room for me (it’s kind of crazy to think how crowded the place was back then).. There was constant tension with my dad which caused my mom and brother extreme discomfort.. I don’t think my family situation was as bad as it was during the first few months of last year. To not be able to see my mom and brother whenever I wanted to? Not even be able to call just to see how they were doing or what not…that was the most painful thing I’ve had to experience as someone stepping into adulthood. Then there was the issue of me being able to support myself… I’ve made a lot of sacrifices last year and it’s unfortunate to say that school was one of them. I just couldn’t handle continuing school and making rent at the same time so I ended up dropping it entirely.

Biggest mistake I’ve yet to make right.

Not to mention the fact that I was partying pretty hard and crazy for the most part of 2K10. A lot of the way I was feeling about my situation and myself had a lot to do with the self-destructive choices that I’ve made. What started out as fun just turned into a way of escape, a way to avoid dealing with the things I needed to. One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned throughout my life was that you can’t run away from your problems because they only come back bigger, but I ignored my own advice when 2K10 shoved its big ugly face into mine.

I have to say though, those nights of partying that creeped its way into the following day (and sometimes even into the next night) were so much fun. So many memories, so many new friendships…so many new levels of getting to know one another.. Those are moments I won’t come to regret, albeit they were under not so ideal..intoxicated situations.

2K10..you’ve taken away a close friend of mine also. Lover Houn, I miss you dearly.

Then there was the boy.

Very unlikely. Never would have thought. Ever. But it happened, and I did.

Truthfully, I thought it would end up as a mysterious interest, someone I’d have met for the first and only time that eve of Halloween 2K9, eventually forgetting who he was without even exchanging so much as a greeting after that party. Someone who’d be remembered by me and my friends in these exact words:

“Hey Hannah, remember that one party where you made out with a complete stranger?”
“Oh, maaaaaaaan..that’s was one crazy night. I was so fucked up.”

In those moments when we were exchanging BBM pins (prior to the cupcaking, make-out madness that followed), I thought nothing more of him than the usual “Oh wow, he’s pretty hot..why are we exchanged pins? It’s not like we’re gonna talk after this night anyway.. Whatever, he’s cute, what’s so bad about having his pin?”

How wrong I was.

After that night, there were countless conversations via BBM.  My phone was stuck in these two hands of mine, with my eyes glued to the little screen while smiling like a madwoman at the things he would say and at the things we would talk about. I got in trouble at work for excessive phone use, and eventually my phone’s battery life didn’t last me even a decent three hours. Then the BBM conversations led to text messages, which led to short phone conversations, which led to the first time we ever hung out (sober, face-to-face, one-on-one) that crisp mid-November night.

I don’t think I’ve ever had that much fun hanging out in Pasadena (his neck of the woods–shabu shabu, Suicide Bridge..) and walking around my beloved DTLA (tried showing him Angel’s Flight, Pershing Square..). (I love how good my memory is!)

We’d hang out every now and then, and he was there when the whole family/living situation was going down..brought the new year (2K10) separately but, of course, in my intoxicated state I was texting him like mad crazy..

Then the months went by when I thought 2K10 showed promise..only to have me spiraling downwards again.

What I thought would be a harmless, fun, light, short-lived fling turned out to be something more. Unbalanced, uneven, but more, nonetheless.

It’s kind of hard to try and describe just what kind of situation I was in with him, and there’s really no desire to want to explain that part so publicly like this (I mean, I’ve already let out more than I usually would on this blog..). But to simply grab the jist of it, it was the hardest human-relationship I’ve ever engaged in yet. Although, I have to say, it was my fault for trying to find a little bit of happiness in him (and hold onto it dearly) while the dramatic whirlwind of my life was crumbling. That was an act of selfish insanity on my part.

The months went on, 2K10 went on, and I fell. Truly, madly, deeply, but it was unhealthy in every sense of the word.

Let me in, let me in, let me in.
– Let me go, let me go, I want to leave.
But you’re not hurting me, it doesn’t hurt, let me in.

Who was I kidding?! It did hurt. A lot. Too painful to even try and describe the feeling, yet I held on and stayed anyway. Naivete, maybe? Or maybe I was just that much in love… When I think of it right now it doesn’t make any sense but, I’m glad things worked out the way they have..

But yes, in the events of last year, I was a pitiful lovesick fool. I don’t think I’ve ever cried as much as I did last year, nor did I ever think that I’d let myself go through so much for the sake of keeping someone in my life.. Utterly surprising, opened my eyes to a side of me I never knew existed.

Oh, but to know, know, know him is to love, love, love him…just to see that smile, oh, it makes my life worthwhile.

But now, now it’s the new year. 2K11, like I said, I have high hopes for you. My living situation is now stable, I have a steady income (although it’s just barely enough but let’s not be a pessimist here), I’m that much closer to starting school again (March, here I COME), and now the unlikely boy is a very likely one. Things are looking up, improving, getting much, much better.

And, honestly, the first four days you had to offer, 2K11, were utterly amazing.

From New Year’s Eve, to the countdown<3, to the four days following after…

It makes my soul smile and my heart sing.

 

“It’s officially getting there.”