Story of a Girl.

There was a girl who fell in love with a boy.

This boy was sweet, kind, and there was a connection between the two that led her to believe that they lived parallel lives until a turn of fate made their paths perpendicular. He was everything she hoped for, everything she didn’t think she’d ever really find in someone.

There was a girl who fell in love with a boy.

It was the kind of love that helped her get through the day with just a text. The kind of love that made her blush and the butterflies flutter in her stomach at just a daydream of his smile. The sound of his voice would thrill her and his slightest touch would send shivers up and down her spine. And his eyes, oh! How she loved to look into those pools of deep brown, and how they always made her nervous! They had countless conversations that brought the two closer and closer, spent time filled with moments she wanted to remember forever…and just like that, she fell deeper and deeper.

There was a girl who fell in love with a boy.

She gave him everything she could, wrapping her love and her every being around him. She loved him wholly, unconditionally, enough so that she was blind to the reality before her. He was distant, a bit reluctant, so eager to let things go and deem the two of them as friends. He barely came around, excluded her from his friends, kept her existence secret… But she didn’t care, she had him. He was all that she wanted and being with him a few times during the week was fine. As long as she was his, it didn’t matter. She loved him. Wholly. Unconditionally.

There was a girl who fell in love with a boy.

A year passed and there they were, still the same, the girl still excusing his intentions and neglecting her logic twice daily. They weren’t so bad..it wasn’t unbearable..the hurt she felt was easily ignored by what she believed to be his love. He’s just jaded, well-guarded.. Then she found out she was second-best, number two. There was another girl in his heart that didn’t know about her, that didn’t know about what they had…or rather, what she believed they had. She was heartbroken, hurt, she was in every kind of intangible pain ever thought of and her tears seared like fire against her cheeks and her cries burned through her heart and throat. This kind of betrayal and heartbreak was agonizing and drove her closer to madness. In that moment, she felt a hatred for him so deep and strong, it frightened her. In that moment, she felt she was going insane with an overwhelming sadness and anger. In that moment, she found out all the truths about his lies and all the things he were hiding. And in that moment, she realized that she still loved him. Truly. Madly. Deeply. Wholly. Unconditionally.

There was a girl who fell in love with a boy.

Weeks pass and here they are, the girl and the boy, engaged in a mud puddle of a fucked up love-triangle. Frustrating as it was, she just can’t seem to let go. Through it all, with all his mistakes and faults and wrongdoings, she still wants to be there for him. Still remains so understanding, still quietly psychoanalyzing all his actions. Putting his past and his present into consideration. Silently reminding herself that she knows him in more ways than the other would ever know. Knows him better than he knows himself. It was her gift and her curse, having such a deep understanding of people.

There was a girl who fell in love with a boy, and this is the story of her first love.

to wish for…

you close your eyes and hold your breath…what to wish for?

sitting there, in the passenger seat, you wonder as you feel the lights softly press against your eyelids. time seems to slow down for this moment, waiting to see what your heart desires. you sigh, trying to think, trying to come up with something, not wanting to waste this chance at a wish.. you’re not much for romantic, silly actions as this but just this one time you want to entertain your girly urge. besides, it’s not something that comes often..

but then your imagination wanders.

your thoughts wander to the smile that makes you feel like everything’s okay, to the laugh that pushes your troubles aside and brings out your own joyous tinkle. the feel of soft skin intertwining with yours, the hair that tickles your shoulder and the kisses that grace your neck. the gentle stare of deep, chocolate pools that tell you everything and nothing at the same time, and the voice that soothes your troubled nerves and lulls you to sleep..

it’s the end of the tunnel, and you open your eyes, letting go of the breath you held.

with a smile on your face, you reach for his hand and blush as your fingers lock. you realize that you have nothing else you could want, everything was right here, in this car. your eyes meet, and your smile widens when you see that it’s the same for him.

 

 

if there was anything i’d wish for, it’s for this moment right here.

Left Behind.

He’s done it again.

I can’t say that I didn’t see it coming. I was expecting it, in fact. Every conversation was laced with ample context clues, every moment a foreshadowing one…so what does that make me, in the end? Not necessarily a fool blinded by love, no. Love didn’t blind me from his intentions, nor did it hinder me from expecting the expected. I knew he would leave. And leave he did, just like the last time. So, what does that make me? A knowing fool? A hopeful one? Forgiving until the end, ignorant of my own worth?

My friends were always bewildered as to why I let him treat me in such a way. What do they know? All they saw was the worst of what we had. Or is this just me trying to justify my own foolishness?

‘Don’t let him walk all over you,’ they would say, frustrated at my situation. ‘Stop putting yourself on hold for him.’

Was it so wrong in wanting to hold onto the person who I believe brought good into my life? Was it so wrong to be selfish and refuse to let go? To be unwilling to lose him? He loves me, I know he does, and in his strange way he’s protecting me from himself…which, ironically, it ends up hurting me more. But that’s what all human relationships come down to–we’re all just hurting each other. The trick is to know who’s worth going through the hurt for.

This love story isn’t so ideal…and I realize that this relationship leans more towards the unhealthy end…but it’s all I’ve got. It’s all I’m asking for. And who can convince me otherwise when the matters of my heart and mind are made up? As much as everyone around me disapprove, I’ll wait. I’ll wait until he comes back to me. And I’ll wait until he leaves again. It’s fucked up but I never expected much from this whole love ordeal anyway. And maybe I’m only engaging in the love I think I deserve…but what more can I be deserving of?

Maybe…maybe it is foolishness. Maybe this is me trying to preserve whatever good this offered, trying to extend the expiration date. Whatever the possibilities, whatever the reasons that are unbeknown to me…

They’ll come when I wait. Just like he will. Just like he has been.