January 5, 2011 Leave a comment
It’s a new year, yet again.
Hello, 2K11. I’ve been waiting for you.
I have to say, I have very high hopes for you, but no particular expectations. I don’t mean it in a negative way, nor am I implying anything pessimistic in nature at all..it’s just the way it is: to hope with no expectations (I’m shedding my initial belief that to hope is to expect). I’m surprised I’m even hoping at all, seeing how my experiences with hope hasn’t been peachy ones… But I have a feeling that it will be different this time. I feel it in my bones.
To be honest, 2K10 was a hard one to swallow. I brought 2K10 in with a new living situation, bad family conditions, an interesting choice in lifestyle, and a very unlikely boy.
Just from that you can already tell that 2K10 was the year of massive, repetitive, unbearable heartbreak.
After being booted from home within the last months of 2K9, I moved in with a friend, sleeping on the couch for a couple of months before there was even room for me (it’s kind of crazy to think how crowded the place was back then).. There was constant tension with my dad which caused my mom and brother extreme discomfort.. I don’t think my family situation was as bad as it was during the first few months of last year. To not be able to see my mom and brother whenever I wanted to? Not even be able to call just to see how they were doing or what not…that was the most painful thing I’ve had to experience as someone stepping into adulthood. Then there was the issue of me being able to support myself… I’ve made a lot of sacrifices last year and it’s unfortunate to say that school was one of them. I just couldn’t handle continuing school and making rent at the same time so I ended up dropping it entirely.
Biggest mistake I’ve yet to make right.
Not to mention the fact that I was partying pretty hard and crazy for the most part of 2K10. A lot of the way I was feeling about my situation and myself had a lot to do with the self-destructive choices that I’ve made. What started out as fun just turned into a way of escape, a way to avoid dealing with the things I needed to. One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned throughout my life was that you can’t run away from your problems because they only come back bigger, but I ignored my own advice when 2K10 shoved its big ugly face into mine.
I have to say though, those nights of partying that creeped its way into the following day (and sometimes even into the next night) were so much fun. So many memories, so many new friendships…so many new levels of getting to know one another.. Those are moments I won’t come to regret, albeit they were under not so ideal..intoxicated situations.
2K10..you’ve taken away a close friend of mine also. Lover Houn, I miss you dearly.
Then there was the boy.
Very unlikely. Never would have thought. Ever. But it happened, and I did.
Truthfully, I thought it would end up as a mysterious interest, someone I’d have met for the first and only time that eve of Halloween 2K9, eventually forgetting who he was without even exchanging so much as a greeting after that party. Someone who’d be remembered by me and my friends in these exact words:
“Hey Hannah, remember that one party where you made out with a complete stranger?”
“Oh, maaaaaaaan..that’s was one crazy night. I was so fucked up.”
In those moments when we were exchanging BBM pins (prior to the cupcaking, make-out madness that followed), I thought nothing more of him than the usual “Oh wow, he’s pretty hot..why are we exchanged pins? It’s not like we’re gonna talk after this night anyway.. Whatever, he’s cute, what’s so bad about having his pin?”
How wrong I was.
After that night, there were countless conversations via BBM. My phone was stuck in these two hands of mine, with my eyes glued to the little screen while smiling like a madwoman at the things he would say and at the things we would talk about. I got in trouble at work for excessive phone use, and eventually my phone’s battery life didn’t last me even a decent three hours. Then the BBM conversations led to text messages, which led to short phone conversations, which led to the first time we ever hung out (sober, face-to-face, one-on-one) that crisp mid-November night.
I don’t think I’ve ever had that much fun hanging out in Pasadena (his neck of the woods–shabu shabu, Suicide Bridge..) and walking around my beloved DTLA (tried showing him Angel’s Flight, Pershing Square..). (I love how good my memory is!)
We’d hang out every now and then, and he was there when the whole family/living situation was going down..brought the new year (2K10) separately but, of course, in my intoxicated state I was texting him like mad crazy..
Then the months went by when I thought 2K10 showed promise..only to have me spiraling downwards again.
What I thought would be a harmless, fun, light, short-lived fling turned out to be something more. Unbalanced, uneven, but more, nonetheless.
It’s kind of hard to try and describe just what kind of situation I was in with him, and there’s really no desire to want to explain that part so publicly like this (I mean, I’ve already let out more than I usually would on this blog..). But to simply grab the jist of it, it was the hardest human-relationship I’ve ever engaged in yet. Although, I have to say, it was my fault for trying to find a little bit of happiness in him (and hold onto it dearly) while the dramatic whirlwind of my life was crumbling. That was an act of selfish insanity on my part.
The months went on, 2K10 went on, and I fell. Truly, madly, deeply, but it was unhealthy in every sense of the word.
Let me in, let me in, let me in.
— Let me go, let me go, I want to leave.
But you’re not hurting me, it doesn’t hurt, let me in.
Who was I kidding?! It did hurt. A lot. Too painful to even try and describe the feeling, yet I held on and stayed anyway. Naivete, maybe? Or maybe I was just that much in love… When I think of it right now it doesn’t make any sense but, I’m glad things worked out the way they have..
But yes, in the events of last year, I was a pitiful lovesick fool. I don’t think I’ve ever cried as much as I did last year, nor did I ever think that I’d let myself go through so much for the sake of keeping someone in my life.. Utterly surprising, opened my eyes to a side of me I never knew existed.
Oh, but to know, know, know him is to love, love, love him…just to see that smile, oh, it makes my life worthwhile.
But now, now it’s the new year. 2K11, like I said, I have high hopes for you. My living situation is now stable, I have a steady income (although it’s just barely enough but let’s not be a pessimist here), I’m that much closer to starting school again (March, here I COME), and now the unlikely boy is a very likely one. Things are looking up, improving, getting much, much better.
And, honestly, the first four days you had to offer, 2K11, were utterly amazing.
From New Year’s Eve, to the countdown<3, to the four days following after…
It makes my soul smile and my heart sing.
“It’s officially getting there.”